A Heart Full of Hope

“Never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.” President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I often think about my diagnosis. Pretty much every day, for a good amount of time, even if it’s just in the back of my mind (or in my case, on my left main nerve that leads from my inner ear to my brain).  At first, it was constant fear. Then, I had a very spiritual experience that reminded me of something very important. I have trials for a reason.

A lot of people might say “I have trials to make me stronger”, and while I agree, I don’t think this is why I am facing this trial. Not because I’m already strong (I can assure you that I am weak and I am fearful).  But because I have had a very overwhelming sense of why I am facing this trial- to help others. Maybe the words that I write are going to help someone who has the same diagnosis as I do, and they are feeling despair. Maybe my words will help someone who has gotten a different medical diagnosis and they are lost and scared. Or maybe my words will help a family member of someone with medical problems. Or heck…maybe they will help someone who just needs to strengthen their faith.

Right now, I want to talk about despair. Despair is rude, despair is a liar, despair leaves you feeling empty and hopeless. Despair: the complete loss or absence of hope. How do I fight despair? Faith and hope and telling Satan to shut up. Does this come easily to me? Nope. Is it what is helping me get up every morning, go to the gym, play with my kids, keep my house tidy, and make dinner(occasionally)? You betcha.

When I was starting to feel that despair creeping up on me I knew I had to fight it before it got so strong that it was going to take an army to combat it’s influence in my life. And I’ll admit…it was HARD to pray about it. My prayers quickly turned to sob sessions that weren’t feeling productive (but guess what? They were productive. They were a solemn communication with my Father in Heaven who wanted to hear my prayers, whether they were a sob session or not). So I turned to my sweet husband for help. He would say our couple prayers and say the words that were too difficult for me to say. He was the reason I was able to build up the courage to pray for myself. These prayers are a huge reason why I am able to fight despair and have found hope. Is everyday perfect? Not even close, but I work hard to remind myself of my hope and my reasons for fighting. And when I need a reminder, I turn to my Savior and His apostles and am lifted up and brought a little extra push of hope. President Uchtdorf gave this talk in October 2008 General Conference and it. is. amazing. If you haven’t read or listened to it recently, do yourself a favor, be uplifted today, read or listen to it. Whether you are struggling or not, I promise it will give you a boost.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-infinite-power-of-hope?lang=eng